


Entry #57821

by christiant



Series: Beyond The Breach [9]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-11 21:45:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2084262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/christiant/pseuds/christiant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i'm actually a big Cindi Mayweather fan and I wrote this to 57821, so....</p></blockquote>





	Entry #57821

(Entry #57821 of the Diary of Tyler Colton Armstrong)

Jeanie is short, littler than me. Jeanie is brilliant, more so than me. She is emotionally aware, something I am not. She can separate herself from her emotions, something I cannot do.

I became a neural bridge operator because they thought I could stop people from chasing the RABIT. Jeanie is a Jaeger Assault Specialist because they thought she could change the world.

I enjoy her in my mind. It is more intimate than sex, more loving than any connection I have felt. She is my soulmate. That goes without question. Other things too: my sister, my friend. 

I cannot feel my left arm outside the Drift. It is probably well-known at the Shatterdome. It is not commented on.

Sometimes I hate Jeanie. I used to do that a lot when we were kids. Hate her, I mean.

It's funny, that she spent so much time being jealous of me because we were in a competition I never knew about; I hated her from time to time because she had a dad like the ones on television. The ones who never make you cry or hate yourself or want to run away, even if they do make you a little angry.

So the rush of hatred, when it came, was not foreign. When they told me (the doctors) I blamed her for it.

I blamed her dumb heart and her frail little body and her big hair and her sunshine smile for the cracked ConnPod and the anchoring weight pulling my bones into the Pacific. The fear of heights had come back in full force without the calming hum of her mind at the forefront of mine and I _was not thinking_ and I just about killed us both. 

I was angry then. I blamed her then. I hated her then. I hated _me_ then. 

How could I not? I was J-Tech before this. PrideHonorCourageStrengthDuty J-Tech, and I _knew_ what could (would) happen if you drifted alone in your own mind. 

God and Lady D got us out of their alive. 

The Kaiju's neck cracked like old lady knuckles and I felt wild and fierce and fearless before I felt **nothing**.

I do not blame Jeanie or hate her. I don't blame anyone. There's no point, it's my fault.

It's all my fault that I'll never see Jeanie's babies grow up. 

It's also thanks to me that she might not be able to even have them.

(and if it's one thing that Jeanie-Bean really wants it's to be a mom and have babies and for me to be their godmother and for me to be okay and for me to hold her hand and the glory wasn't worth it oh god oh god it wasn't worth it damn the drops damn the kills damn the ppdc damn the kaiju damn the fucking _jaeger_ it wasn't worth it it wasn't worth it it wasn't worth it)

I fucked up.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm actually a big Cindi Mayweather fan and I wrote this to 57821, so....


End file.
